In an effort to make you hate parking at games that much more, the Wells Fargo Center introduced new automated, double-team parking gates, which absolutely, positively, in no way shape or form, will lead to absolute chaos 5 minutes before face-off.
Here, watch the video:
We have unveiled a new automated parking experience at Wells Fargo Center. 🚗🚙
Learn more at:https://t.co/Eh5vZlHoMT pic.twitter.com/EW1qhhEGPj
And from their website, which requires you to allow external media viewing and cookies before you can read their comprehensive guide on how to pay them for parking:
STEP 1: Pull Up To The Transaction Area
The gate arm will open to allow two vehicles to enter the transaction area. Once both vehicles have entered the transaction area, the rear arm will close and both guests can begin their transaction.
The system will identify if the transaction cycle only involves one vehicle and allow the transaction cycle to proceed with only one vehicle in the transaction area.
STEP 2: Present Form of Payment
Parking pass validation or credit card payment
Once at the kiosk, the guest will be prompted to scan their parking pass or use the credit card reader located at the bottom of the kiosk.
STEP 3: Complete Transaction
After both vehicles have completed their transaction, the front gate arm will open to allow both vehicles entry to the parking lot.
If one of the vehicles has completed their transaction before the other vehicle, the kiosk will prompt the guest to standby until the other vehicle has completed their transaction.
After both vehicles have exited the transaction area, the front gate arm will close, and the next two guests can proceed to the transaction area.
Parking Assistance
While the transaction process will be fully automated, parking attendants will be standing by to assist guests in resolving issues that may arise during the transaction process.
My God.
Imagine two cars trapped in a pen, both running late for the game, each racing to complete their transaction before the other person LOSES THEIR MIND because they can't get through the gate until they both finish. You thought it was bad when the guy in front of you made small talk with the attendant, or argued about why he couldn't "go left". Just wait. That was nothing. Now you're tethered to that guy! Two becomes one. You're in this together. You're a team. Simpatico.
It's like a modified version boat scene at the end of The Dark Knight. Which driver will kill the other first? Only in this case the Joker is Dan Hilferty, watching diabolically from the executive offices because his Comcast overlord bean counters gave him a mandate to cut down on parking attendant costs by 50% (it appears there will be one, sure-to-be-friendly-and-patient attendant to "help" per two meters).
Up until this very moment, I believed that Comcast actually wanted the Sixers to stay, split the building with them 50-50, sing Kumbaya, and live happily ever after together.
Now I'm not so sure.
I can't think of a better visual for the Sixers to use in their crusade against the Wells Fargo Center, cars and parking lots than a vertical video reel of frustrated fans triumphantly marching a severed parking gate through H Lot like college football fans parading goalposts around.
"How regional rail servicing 76 Place alleviates the need for destroying public and private infrastructure," the Tweet will say, linking to a University of Penn study that no one will read.
Comcast is giving it to them on a platter.
There are a million problems with parking at the sports complex. Namely, baffling traffic patterns, a refusal to open certain gates, and an utter lack of police presence to bring any sense of order to the area.
I stand by this post from the spring:
Everyone in Philly is to blame for the Knicks takeover.
Except for Sixers fans.
Went to the game yesterday. First game of the year. Kids' first Sixers game.
First off: Great, high intensity, exciting NBA atmosphere.
But most of that can be attributed to how the Knicks (by… pic.twitter.com/zR6gB7isLR
But you know what's not a problem? The attendant who tells me it'll be $62 and a piece of my kidney and then promptly hands me a receipt. He's not always friendly, but he's a never a problem. He wants to be there less than I do.
You know who is in no rush? The automated parking meter. Not a care in the world. Just sitting there, ready to flash error codes and not read the NFC chip on your Chase card because, you know, should have chosen Wells Fargo HA. HA. HA.
Open the park lot gate, Hal!!!!
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that.
Anyone who uses self-checkout at the grocery store (a great test to determine if someone is a serial killer, btw) or who called Moviefone in Seinfeld, can tell you that this sort of automation rarely expedites anything.
Why don't you just tell me the name of the movie?
We all know how this will play out-- there will be a 25% failure rate, an attendant will have to raise their hand for a supervisor who can manually run your card, and then there will be some confusion as to whether the gate will open long enough for both cars. Meanwhile, the game's already started, your kid has to pee, and your wife is telling you how you could have just parked in the CBP lot if you had remembered to bring the kids' jackets.
The replies, as expected, are excellent:
